Thanks for all the emails and messages, I appreciate your support. Don't be worried, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'm at work eating a slightly over-ripe pear and not thinking about the chocolate cake sitting in the break room.
The NHS has a computer program that encourages you to examine your crazies and sort of therapy yourself. There is a review of one version here: http://www.slate.com/id/2190204/ . Following the logic of this program I've scoured my journal in attempts to identify potential "triggers" of depressive episodes. I've come up with a few so far:
1. weekends, specifically Saturday early evening.
2. money worries
3. sad movies
5. loved ones' naughty behavior
Some of these clearly make sense and others don't. Why Saturdays? Why do I get so involved in movies? Perhaps the most bizarre is my ability of fitting a minor argument or irritation into a downward spiral of relationship doom.
For example: if Ryan spends a date complaining about how expensive things are, this becomes "Ryan thinks I don't work hard enough" or "why does Ryan try to ruin all my fun?" the illogical conclusions come hard and fast and voila- recipe for disaster. Why does my mind work this way? Why is it so easy to see in hindsight and so hard to recognize in the moment?
I open my brain for discussion.