Sick Day(s)....

I starting coughing and aching on Sunday. Monday morning it felt like a truck had run me over some time in the middle of the night. I spent Monday morning playing phone tag with the parents of child I babysit, as well as calling every doctor in a 2km radius of my apartment. I was determined to switch to a new doctor after my last visit. But alas, the swine flu is just now hitting Germany and the doctor's offices are slammed. Except for my lovely doctor, who'd have guessed she'd have openings?

So I bundled myself down there yesterday and had my lungs listened to and nose looked at. She gave me three referrals for a swine flu test, a lung specialist, and an ENT. It was after 4pm by the time I left the swine flu lab, where they gave me face mask to wear and wouldn't let me touch anything. In fact the nurse commanded me to wear the mask all the way home and any time in public until my test results came back. Want to know how to get yourself lots of empty seats on the subway? Sit down wearing a surgical mask.

This morning I went back to crazy Frau Doctor to find out about the swine flu test. Instead she took two vials of my blood and told me to call back later. Eventually I got through and found out the swine flu test is negative, but since I'm still sick I need to go back and see the doctor again tomorrow morning.

On the upside, being sick has given me plenty of time to enjoy bizarre German television. Most of the programs are a mundane sort of reality TV, similar to their American counterparts only without fighting or drama. Most of the rest are "Krimi" detective type shows, either German original or dubbed American versions. I've only seen two sitcoms so far, a German version of "The Office" and a dubbed version of Fran Drescher's "The Nanny." Draw what inferences you will about the German sense of humor.

The best reality show is called "Mitten im Leben" (Middle of the Life?) about a mother fighting with her son's trashy new wife. The final straw came when they asked grandma to babysit while they got matching tattoos. They wanted Chinese symbols but their tattoo artist told them that wasn't cool anymore and suggested Buddhist symbols instead. Much cooler. Or as I learned from the TV today "total Klasse!"

But I must go now. "Goodbye Deutschland" is on, and that is my favorite. By the end of this week I'll at least know all the German jingles.

No Babies! / I Just Want a Normal Doctor.

I think my doctor may be a quack. I picked her, as I pick all my doctors, by going to the local Doctor's Association web page and seeing which doctor's office is closest to my apartment. Its always worked in the past.

But last month I got a UTI. I had never had one before, but I figured out very quickly what it was, and even checked Web MD. So I went to see this doctor near my apartment. She is about 100 years old as far as I can tell, and last time had two black eyes and a wrist cast. (I guess she had a fall?) She wears two hearing aids, and only talked to me for about 30 seconds before telling me there was nothing she could do, I'd have to see a specialist. I told her I was pretty sure it was a UTI, couldn't she just give me antibiotics? No. So I spent 2 hours waiting at a Urologist's, so he could tell me I had a UTI and give me antibiotics.

I was less than pleased, but decided to give her another chance. It doesn't hurt that the way the German health care system works is that you pay €10 to see a doctor once a quarter. In that quarter you can see the same doctor again or be referred to a specialist and not have to pay anymore. So, since I'm running low on birth control, I could've paid €10 to go to another doctor, but I'm cheap, so I went back to this old crazy lady.

Thankfully, her mysterious injuries seem to have healed. She welcomed me into her office and I began talking until I noticed her taking her two hearing aids out of a desk drawer and slowly installing them. After she was hooked up she asked, "what can I do for you?" I explained that I needed more birth control ("Verhütungsmittel")

She looked at me for a moment and said (this is all in German of course) "You have back pain?"
"No, I need Verhütungsmittel." blank stare. "VERhütungsmittel. VerHÜTungsmittel." Could she not hear me? Could she not understand my pronunciation? We looked at each other for a long moment.
She gave me the look of an impatient teacher. "Last time you were here with a bladder infection. What is hurting you now?" She raised her tone as if I were the deaf one.
"No, I don't have a pain. I just need Verhütungsmittel." Nothing. Then I became embarrassed. Previous doctors understood me when I asked, but maybe this was the wrong word? Had I been just ranting Verhütungsmittel like a crazy person? So I tried "die Pille" (the pill) and "contraception." I might as well have been speaking Latin. So I said "Its a medicine to not make babies! No babies!" I drew a pregnant stomach with my hands and then gestured an X.

After a silence she finally said "Oh, you want the pill."
"Yes!"
"You have to go to the Frauenarzt." (OB-GYN, or as Ryan likes to translate "lady doctor")
"I was at the Frauentarzt in March. She gave me my last prescription. I just need a refill."
"No, you should go back to your Frauenarzt."
"I can't, that was in Berlin."
"Great, then you can meet a new one."

We argued for a few more minutes then I finally realized I wasn't going to win. She printed me off a referral and then smiled and told me to come back and tell her how it was. Right. As I walked home and I wondered why she'd never diagnose or prescribe to me. I decided probably she is not a real doctor, just one of those with a fake diploma whose references never got checked. But probably not, it just seems that most German doctors are a bit weird. For example prescribing magic infrared lamps or this obsession with the Frauenarzt. Well, next quarter we'll try again.

Translations

We have been busy attending to the various paperworks and appointments that come with immigrating, and especially immigrating to Germany. This paper must be obtained before this paper, but that cannot be had without doing this. It amounts to a few wasted appointments, come back when you have this and whatnot.

The easiest, surprisingly, was health insurance. This is especially good news considering the killer ear infection Ryan had, which thankfully seems to be ebbing. We went to their offices, a lady filled out our application for us in English, and our coverage is retroactive to the date Ryan started working, so his previous doctor visits are covered. Our deductible is 10 euros a quarter and we don't have to pay out of pocket for prescriptions. Socialized medicine anyone?

The health insurance people even gave us a free booklet about moving to Germany, which is obvious in many ways and in other ways helpful. I feel really embarrassed if an English-speaker moves to Germany without knowing how to say "Guten Tag" (page 93). Other parts do offer good insight into the political system and other mysterious areas.

But the best part is the holidays section. Firstly, leaving Bavaria means a serious reduction in holidays. Damn Protestants. But as Berliners we can look forward to riots and protests on the May 1st Worker's Holiday! Oh well, at least this section made me laugh:

"Mother's Day: Mother's Day is celebrated on the second Sunday in May. Mothers are given flowers and presents by their children.

Father's Day: Ascension Day is also known as 'Vatertag' or 'Herrentag' in German. Unlike Mother's Day gifts are not normally given. Many adult men drive through the streets and woods in carts, drinking alcohol."

I guess that's how they celebrate? They need to let off steam from the stress of raising children, and as Germans, the stress of filling out all the paperwork that comes with each change in life's circumstances? Once Ryan and I are fully immigrated, I'm sure we will drink. I'll have to consider the cart, though.

P.S. went to dinner with some folks from the American Church of Berlin last night and asked a German fellow about this Father's Day tradition. He said his brother is expecting his first child next summer, but has "celebrated" Father's Day for the last 3 years, and has a wooden cart in his garage.

Update: Has Ryan Been Killed by his Ear Infection?

No, thankfully.

I did tell him yesterday that he was a pain in the ass, and he responded with "Ha! This has all been a test to see how long you can care for another human being. The answer is four days. No babies for you!" So his sense of humor is back to normal, which I take as a good sign.

Went back to his original doctor yesterday, who supplied him with new antibiotics, weird drops that are supposed to be pain relieving, and told us to buy an infrared lamp. I wonder about a culture that holds alternative medicine on the same level as scientifically-tested medicine. But I bought it, and Ryan and I took turns sitting underneath it to gage its effect on our "health and beauties." I can tell you it makes you hot. I think thats about all.

Baby Me!

Ryan’s mom will tell you he has a talent for getting sick on vacation. Before my time was impetigo in Hawaii, immobilizing hives in California, and a host of other bizarre illnesses, always popping up in the middle of beach day. But since we’ve been married he’s never really been sick. He’ll occasionally get a small cold, and has vomited once or twice, but I don’t think he’s missed a day of work. It’s annoying when I’m huddled in a ball on the couch, green in the face, and he’s standing there fit as a fiddle, practically gloating over his superior immune system. I should have been thankful for his indestructibility while it lasted.

He has developed the ear ache from hell. After a doctor’s visit Thursday, an apparent recovery Friday, and then moaning all last night (not the good kind of moaning either) I dragged him to the ER. It was mostly full of old people on gurneys and young hungover people sullenly watching their IVs drip. We were seen in just under an hour by a young bushy-eyebrowed doctor. He asked the standard questions, told Ryan to take off his shirt, and then proceeded to karate chop him several times in the ribs. What this is supposed to test, I have no idea. Then he snapped in Ryan’s ears. “Can you hear this? No? This?” It looked more like ways to annoy your brother than a doctor’s exam. Then he gave him some painkillers, but nothing good, just some extra strength ibuprofen.

So Ryan is still sick and pitiful. He has a follow-up appointment with Dr. A on Monday. So hopefully either she will give him some useful medicine, or Ryan’s super immune system will decide to start working. I guess the third option is that this earache will actually kill him. It seems unlikely that a fit 24 year old man could be killed by an ear infection, but I will keep you updated. In the meantime I’m attempting to make him better by playing mommy.